Category Archives: childhood trauma

The Five Stages of GBH

I’m no stranger to grievous bodily harm, if not in the strict British legal sense. Eight and a half years ago, I fell down the stairs of my family’s brand-goddamn-new two-story house and ended up in a wheelchair for about two months and on crutches/in a walking cast for a couple weeks after that. Four fractures: Left fifth metatarsal, and then all across the right foot, at the joining of the second, third, and fourth metatarsals to the tarsus.

I’ve had various other mishaps, mostly dealing with one ankle or the other, which might seem to indicate some form of ligamentous laxity. But all these years I’ve been fortunate enough to avoid another double whammy. Until two weeks ago, of course.

Luckily, the tumble I took didn’t result in any fractures. Unluckily, it resulted in a pretty rough high right ankle sprain and a badly bruised/twisted left ankle. (At least, I’m assuming. I had no way of getting myself to a doctor, initially, and by the time I was able to sort of hobble around I knew it wasn’t serious enough to bother. I own a walking cast, for fuck’s sake; I don’t need to pay $40 to have someone tell me to wear it and make sure to use ice and ibuprofen. Though interestingly enough, the worst of the bruising on both sides was right around where the fractures were. Anyway.) But as many times as I’ve gone through this, it’s still easy to get caught up in the fairly intense emotions your brain decides are appropriate for the situation. And you know, it’s actually not so different from the Kübler-Ross model of the grieving process.







“Oh, fuck.”

Anger: “Oh my god, seriously? My entire Memorial Day weekend is completely fucked. And I have to fly four times in the next week and a half. I HATE EVERYONE, EVERYWHERE, FOREVER. PLEASE GO DIE IN A FIRE THAT PROBABLY BURNS LIKE THE PAIN IN MY LEGS.”

Bargaining: “Look, Universe. If you let me make it from my couch to the door without having to stifle yelps of pain, I’ll tip the delivery guy an extra dollar. Okay? Okay.”

Depression: “Everyone is now looking at me like a two-legged dog. New Yorkers are looking at me like I’m abnormal. I’m slowing down my group, which is clearly chomping at the bit to just be at this next location already, for shit’s sake. Now that my walking cast is off, people don’t see that my gimpiness is just a temporary condition or that it really sucks to have to stand on the subway and you should really give me your seat, Mr. Roidasaurus. Everything is a total bummer.”

Next is supposed to come “Acceptance,” but that never really happens in these cases. The previous stage lasts throughout the healing process, and it only ends once you’re back to normal. But even after all that, there’s still…

Fear: For months, or even years, after the pain and swelling have subsided and the bruises have faded through, the thought will come to you as you’re racing for the train or stumble over a dip in the sidewalk: This step could be my last. The image will appear, unbidden, of those ligaments giving out, all those bones snapping; and you’ll hear the crack preceding the phantom pain. Unconsciously, you fall back into the gait you had when you initially learned how to walk– a little unsteady, uncertain, planting each foot down as though that is the first step you’ve ever taken. As far as I can tell, this is a fear that will never completely abate, a sort of metaphysical scar tissue to match the corporeal.


In which I tackle Something Serious

Well, this is terrifying.

I can’t imagine what it must be like to be a parent at 22, having just passed that agemarker myself. I would probably be a total wreck, and you certainly wouldn’t be reading this blog. But the above story of the woman and her child really is indicative of something very, very wrong with our medical system.

Everyone knows we’re living with a broken system, one that sees medical costs eating up 17 percent of our GDP and inflating at a rate three times that of the Consumer Price Index. The blame doesn’t just lie at the feet of insurance companies, though. (They’re certainly not helping, but they actually have a much slimmer profit margin than you might think.) Americans are starting to (starting to) fall into two categories: Those who don’t give a shit about their health or can’t afford to give a shit (which sucks so very badly), thus not receiving the treatment they need; and those who overreact and seek treatment for every little problem they encounter.

Don’t want to wait to see your general practitioner? Go to the ER. Feeling a bit under the weather? Better go to a doctor straightaway to get some antibiotics. (Not long ago, I was sick every couple weeks for a period of four months. Ear infection, cold, flu–you name it, I had it. My boss at the time harangued me, during each of these illnesses, to go to the doctor immediately, and was offended when I told him, other than the ear infection, that it really wasn’t necessary; I’m young, have a high-functioning immune system, and most of the time the doctor isn’t even sure what you have. They look at you for five minutes and send you on your way with a prescription for an antibiotic.)

Is your toddler acting up? Get thee to a child psychiatrist or neurologist, so he can be diagnosed with bipolar disorder, a condition that is incredibly difficult to diagnose in adults and encompasses a wide array of subconditions, and is really more of a spectrum than a discrete label. Finding the right medicine (hell, the right doctor) to treat the disorder is a long, grueling process that often doesn’t even have an endpoint. When you’re not the patient, you can’t possibly know what’s going on inside his head; you’re limited to interpreting external signals, which can be indicative of a huge number of mental states–even ones that fall within sociological norms. What makes this a hundred times more difficult is when the patient is just learning to speak and interact with other people in a meaningful way.

Now, again: I don’t have kids. But I was one once, and I helped my siblings grow into the surly teens they are today. (I’m 5 1/2 years older than my brother and 7 years older than my sister, so I have a pretty decent memory as far as their upbringing is concerned.) As my mother so helpfully reminds me every few weeks or so, I was an absolute monster from about the ages of six months to 3 years–in private. I yelled and screamed and beat my head with my fists and kicked the floor. But then I grew out of it (or was disciplined out of it, maybe). At gymnastics class at age 3, I was the kid who sat quietly while everyone else in the class gamboled about, driving the teacher nuts. I was the minority.

Kids are active, flighty little buggers; their brains are trying to figure out how to filter and process the overwhelming amount of information they receive every second, and they have an astonishing amount of energy. Sometimes that energy gets funneled into some pretty negative activities: My brother would frequently do something mean to me (either as retaliation against something I did to him–I’d be penalized too, in this case–or just because he felt like it, because he’s a boy, and that’s what little boys do), and would be sent to his room as punishment. Naturally, he did not approve of this punishment (purely, I suspect, because it was framed as a punishment; it’s not like his room was a broom closet or an iron maiden). How did he express his displeasure? Why, by lying on the floor in front of the door and just kicking the shit out of it. While screaming bloody murder, of course. He would do this for 20 minutes or more, sometimes kicking so hard, the locked-from-the-outside door would be jarred open. My parents did not medicate him into submission. They simply ignored his attention-seeking behavior when it was negative, and rewarded him when it was positive. When he did something bad, he was punished, and so learned that his actions have consequences. My brother is almost 18 now, and he’s just fine, aside from being obnoxiously arrogant; he is, after all, a 17-year-old boy.

My siblings and I were fortunate in that our parents were very intelligent people who knew the cognitive and behavioral milestones that children pass, and though their own were ahead of the curve, they understood that every child is different, and, just as some are a little faster, others develop at a slower pace. It’s when you have (metaphorically) poor young parents who are in way over their heads that you get problems. Of course there are fantastic young parents out there; they educate themselves and try to make as few mistakes as possible, like every other parent, and they tread carefully when it comes to medical treatment. But that can’t happen all the time. They’re busy, they’re stressed, they’re scraping by and/or going it alone, and when their kid starts acting like a total maniac or won’t talk even though the same-aged baby down the block is talking, they assume something is terribly wrong, when really it’s the kid being a kid. Maybe he’s acting out for more attention, maybe he’s just a little slower than the baby down the block or doesn’t feel the need to communicate. You can’t know this with any certainty, but what you can know is that drugs like Seroquel and Risperidal have a pretty serious side effect profile, and their impact on childhood development remains to be seen.

This is different from those horrible, awful people spreading the lie that vaccines cause autism. Vaccinations are necessary for disease control, and have a proven, demonstrable positive effect. Loading children up with antipsychotics (especially when they’re being prescribed off-label) brings us to the very fine line between “Better Living Through Chemistry” and “Just Being a Kid.”

Some children absolutely need medication. Obvious cases of ADD and ADHD, autism, etc. should be treated; it would be irresponsible not to. But cases like the one first mentioned are increasing at an unprecedented rate–shouldn’t we be exercising a little more caution here? Bringing down the number of overdiagnoses will bring down medical costs and save who knows how many kids from missing out on their childhood.

On Wet Paint

First off, let me just say that I love Sesame Street. I think it is the greatest educational program on television, and I hope it never goes off the air. My earliest memory comes from an earthquake when I was three years old; the clearest part of that memory is the Sesame Street t-shirt I was wearing at the time.


There was one clip that never failed to terrify me as a child. It was a music video called “Wet Paint.”

My terror whenever this segment appeared onscreen supplied my parents (and, later on, my siblings) with endless amusement. “It’s just paint, Munchkin!” my father would say while I burrowed my head in his shoulder and cried.

I was too young to articulate exactly what it was about this that freaked me out so very badly. And one would think that, now that I’ve reached the ripe old age of 22, I would no longer be able to describe those feelings, since there’s no way it could freak me out now.

But it does.

You guys, it freaks me out so bad.

I saw the clip on Hulu as I was enjoying a trip down memory lane (a.k.a. the Sesame Street Hulu page) and laughed. “Oh man, this used to give me nightmares.” I clicked on it, eager to prove to myself just how much I’ve grown up.

My flesh immediately began crawling.

So now, I will attempt to make you all see why, exactly, this gives me the creepy-crawlies. (Side note: Remember Creepy Crawlers? I always wanted that set.)

First, the beat and melody to this song are bone-chilling. One of the beat-makers sounds like someone stepping into quicksand, and we all know what happens to people who step into quicksand. The melody does not indicate the happy fun times painting that the lyrics seem to want to indicate.

Furthermore, the lyrics do not actually indicate happy fun times with paint. There’s lots of throwing imagery (“you slosh it all around,” “slather it and slop it”) and unpleasant words like “gushy,” “smelly,” “slippy,” “sloppy,” and “gloppy,” which I associate with that horrible fudge monster in Candyland (a game I never liked, incidentally). And I also have to be careful not to drop it on the cold, cold ground? Like the ground that my corpse will soon be in?

But worst of all is the actual imagery. The way the paint plops down the wall in the background, like multi-hued blood; the way the video’s title creepily drips down the screen. The be-galosh’d-legs (that look as though they are not attached to any sort of body) slipping around on a ton of paint on the cold, cold ground. And all throughout, occasional sprays and splotches cover the camera lens, blotting out the singers, culminating in an absolutely horrifying orgy of paint that completely covers the lens.

Go ahead and laugh, if you like. But now I know that some fears never die…Including that of wet paint.